


Skeletons and Scones

by IFallLikeLeavesAndSnow



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adventure, Drama, Gen, Horror, Humor, Supernatural - Freeform, Suspense, Thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:15:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6675682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IFallLikeLeavesAndSnow/pseuds/IFallLikeLeavesAndSnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the myriad adventures of a skeleton detective and his precocious partner.</p><p>"Skulduggery I haven't been young enough to count as precocious in years."</p><p>"Compared to me Valkyrie, you shall always be precocious."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's in a Word?

"Well," Valkyrie said, looking down into the yawning pit "that _is_  a bit dark."

  
"'A bit dark' she says," Skulduggery said to her right, fiddling with something in his hands "a hole created by unrestrained umbral magic the likes of which the world has never seen, and it's 'a bit dark'."

"Don't make fun of my English." She huffed from her position.

"Very well, but can I give it advise?"

"No."

"Perhaps ridicule it?"

"No."

"Can I at least tease it?"

"No."

"Poke it with a stick?"

"You're not getting your hands on my stick."

"Any stick will do."

"I hate you."

"This, Valkyrie my dear," he said with a sweeping gesture "is a monumental discovery, it could revolutionize our current understanding of shadow magic, it deserves a descriptor better than 'a bit dark' this is, I must say, caliginous."

"You just made that word up."

"No I didn't."

"There is no way that is an actual word."

"Shocking as it may be for you to discover, your vocabulary _isn't_ in fact the largest in the world."

"My vocabulary is _amazing_ I'll have you know, and you made that word up." Valkyrie plucked a rock from the ground, held it over the hole and let it drop. The rock dropped an inch or two before shooting away from the hole with a twitch of Skulduggery's fingers.

"No I didn't, it means," he paused for a moment, his head tilting towards his left palm where a small square of light shone "misty, dim, obscure, dark."

"Hang on, are-are you _looking it up_?"

"No." He said innocently.

"Oh my god you actually had to look up a word to outdo me."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about Valkyrie, now let's get on with examining the hole." Skulduggery studiously retrieved the recording equipment from the Bentleys trunk, ignoring the fact that Valkyrie was laughing so hard she'd fallen over. By the time she'd regained control, Skulduggery was already set up.  
As the light turned on, letting them know that it was recording, Skulduggery made his first observation.

"It," he noted "is a bit dark."

Valkyrie started laughing again.


	2. Trouble in Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valkyrie had always wanted to visit the Caribbean. Somehow zombies never quite made it into the picture

The most annoying part of the entire fiasco, Valkyrie noted, was that it was for once entirely not her fault. It wasn't a consequence of her actions, or her ancestry or her name, it was just an outbreak of zombies while she was trying to enjoy her vacation. Her actions had no impact on it whatsoever. After being at least partially responsible or involved in  -what was the count now? Ten, twelve?- world ending disasters, being so removed from it just bugged her. So she took out that aggression in her own special way.

Namely by frying the head of the animate corpse trying to devour her. White lightning flickered around her body as she turned in a circle. The zombies were of a different sort than Scapegrace and Thrasher. More vicious than the two, but also more intelligent. They circled her loosely, occasionally inching forward before a crackle of lightning across the ground sent them scurrying. They were wary for now, but it seemed that most everyone on the island had turned into a zombie, or else was in danger of doing so. The crowd kept getting thicker, soon enough they'd be brave again.

It was at moments like this that Valkyrie cursed herself for not practicing. Three months with Skulduggery hadn't removed all the rust she'd accumulated. She still couldn't fly on her own, though she could now make the kind of jumps and falls she could back when she was an elemental, along with the ability to somewhat float in place. She was fairly well juiced, but if she tried to take them all out at once and failed, she'd be left open. Physical attacks were pretty well out seeing as she'd been sunbathing when the entire bloody mess had started. Her bathing suit was great for showing off the muscles she'd regained once back on the job, but not so much for protecting from zombie bites. Her energy armour was still a work in progress, if she counted making herself glow as "progress". Which she did.

The crowd continued to increase in size and stench. The ocean wasn't that viable an escape route seeing as the zombies had spilled into it and appeared to be fine. Not to mention she'd never got around to seeing if her powers protected her when she used them in water.

"Fine fine, you told me so, now get in here and help me," she muttered to herself before raising her hand. A bolt of white lightning tore through the dying daylight, visible for miles around.

"That ought've got his attention, now then, what about you lot?" The tide of zombies finally seemed to reach its overflow point, because they broke from their circle and came for her. The first one got a shot through the head, the next one through the chest. The ones in the water behind her only got to make a few stumbling steps before lightning danced from Valkyrie and into the water. Their bodies seized and then collapsed into the waves. In the scant seconds that those events took place, the slower zombies nearly reached her. She kicked off the ground, caught herself in a white aura and floated backwards through the air.

The zombies weren't deterred by their preys freedom from the ground though, instead they leaped for her, and quite effectively too.

"What are you, spidermen?" More lightning flew from her fingers as Valkyrie shot them down before they could reach her. Her descent accelerated for a moment, before she caught herself.

"Got to rein that in then."

The mob leaped as one, and a crackling white shield formed in front of her, killing all those that touched it directly. She dropped another few feet.

"All I want is one little vacation where nothing tries to kill me, is that too much to ask for?"

"Apparently," a voice said from behind her.

Valkyrie's control slipped completely and she plummeted through the air for all of half a second before the familiar feeling of carefully controlled air ensconced her.

Valkyrie turned to her savior and gave him a glare "You, my good sir, are a prat of epic proportions."

"Well I wont deny that I am epic, but personally I feel that the word is a tad overused nowadays."

"Magnificent," she decided after a moment of deliberation, "you are a prat of _magnificent_ proportions."

"Well I'll accept magnificent as well as epic," Skulduggery said with a sage nod. "Though I'm afraid you're rather bloating my ego now Valkyrie dear, I do hope you aren't just saying what you think I want to hear."

"I hate you." She said, flicking his hat "And your hat."

"My word!" Skulduggery said dramatically, "such harshness, such vulgarity, insult me if you must my dear, but leave the hat alone."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes "You're such a goon."

"Maybe." He agreed with a shrug "Now then, shall we deal with this?"

"Hmm, no, _you_ can deal with it, alone, for being such a prat."

Skulduggery slumped for a moment, before straightening. "Very well, if I must do it alone, the I shall do it the same way I do everything."

"Unbelievable pretentiousness?" Valkyrie queered innocently.

Skulduggery tilted his hat just so, "with style and panache Valkyrie, with style and panache." Skulduggery stretched his arms out wide, and the waves below began to move quicker. Slowly, he brought his hands together into claws which he pulled against his chest. The temperature dropped, and below the water began to frost over. Then, with a sudden push of his hands, the freezing water shot out of the ocean and over the zombies. The horde was bowled over as the wave of water washed over them. When they began to stand again he started twisting his hands in small circles. The water on the zombies began to freeze over briefly before it melted. The skin turned black and began to fall away. Soon enough all that was left were broken bones and bodies and the zombies cracked and melted away.

"It's actually rather simple, you see the water is obviously cold enough for it to freeze, but the salt prevents it from doing so properly, and what you're left with is water cold enough to bu-"

"Yes yes, very interesting, but I think we should report this to the local Sanctuary as soon as possible, get this cleaned up and any survivors wiped."

"Whilst I can see that your thirst for knowledge is still lacking, seeing you so focused on the bureaucracy of our work is . . . very out of character."

Valkyrie shrugged "The sooner with get this in, the sooner I can get back to sunbathing."

"Ah, there we have it." Skulduggery said with a smile as his façade twisted into place.


	3. The Enemy of My Hero is My Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say never meet your heroes, but what about your heroes enemies?

Sitting in what, it must be said, was _not_ a comfortable chair, Valkyrie Cain couldn't help but critique the décor. The table was covered in old issues of teen choice magazines. The curtains were tattered, moth eaten and a frankly _hideous_ shade of purple. The walls were the dingy yellow color only attainable from years of smoke exposure. The floor was covered with scratches and mysterious stains. She'd been waiting for Skulduggery for at least an hour now, and the time had not passed quickly. She'd been hoping that he'd arrive soon, but had been thoroughly disappointed. Honestly the man couldn't seem to ever show up in anything less than the nick of time. He'd probably knock down the door, gun in hand and a quip on his fake lips the moment her captors started to threaten her.

Oh yes, she'd been kidnapped. The term annoyed her thoroughly. She hadn't been a child in years. She'd been captured when she'd knocked out a particularly persistent pursuer in the bar with a pool cue. The impromptu weapon had become something of a favorite of hers over the years. The stick had broken on the man’s face, but the man’s face had also broken on the stick.

The rest of the gang had dogpiled her after the demure wallflower she'd been playing had taken down their enforcer. She _could've_ given them all a nasty shock, but that would've outed her completely. So she went limp and into the back of a _painfully_ suspicious van it was.

The door opened. Two men clad in heavy black coats and large black hats walked in. One of them was short, with a smashed nose, and greasy hair, she mentally labeled him Potato Nose. The other was tall, and far too thin, with a beak like nose and narrow beady eyes. She called him Ratty.

"Hello Miss Cain" Potato Nose said snidely. There went her plans for faking her way through this.

"Hello" She said politely, wiggling her hand in as close to a wave as she could get with them being tied up with rope.

"You must be wondering just who we are and how we know your identity." Potato Nose went on.

"Not really," she said with a shrug.

"You see we dedu- wait what?"

"Well the 'who you are' part is pretty simple, you're the guy's I'm after. The 'who I am' part isn't that hard either, I mean how many black haired badass sorcerers with an Irish accent are there in America? And ones that look like me? Seriously have you _seen_ my legs?" She gave them a small grin and a wink.

"A- but you- and I-."

"What my dear colleague means to say," Ratty said in a high and wheezy voice "is that you have no hope of leaving until we get what we want."

"Mhmm," Valkyrie responded thoughtfully.

"Yes that's right," Potato Nose said recovering "you're going to tell us what we want to know."

"Or else," Ratty added, raising his eyebrow imperiously, or what he thought was imperiously. Privately Valkyrie thought that it made the lines on his forehead stand out more. Then not so privately she said.

"That makes the lines of your forehead stand out more." Ratty's face twisted in shock and his eyebrows dropped.

They turned away from her, and while they were distracted, her gaze flicked up toward the symbols inscribed on the ceiling. Something about them seemed slightly off, and given that China Sorrows had slowly beaten a basic education in sigil magic into her head, she had a good idea of just what it was. For now though, she would get everything that she could out of her two "interrogators".

"Don't let her get to you." Potato Nose said in a helpful whisper.

"Yes yes, you're right of course." Ratty whispered back. The two turned to face her once more and Valkyrie smiled blandly at them.

"Now Miss Cain, tell us what we want to know." Ratty said, flipping his role.

"Yes or else." Potato Nose added helpfully.

"Or else what?" She asked curiously.

The two froze for a moment, "or else- or else or else that's what!"

"Mhmm," She said again.

“Enough with your false courage girl, tell us what we want to know!” Ratty demanded. Potato Nose nodded vigorously, his chin wobbling dangerously.

Valkyrie pretend to think about it for a minute, and then a few more minutes after that. Before the two could explode from impatience she said “there’s one small, itty bitty teeny tiny problem with that.”

“ _What_?” They said in unison.

“You haven’t asked me anything yet.” She smiled at them. It wasn’t a nice smile.

The two stopped cold again. “Ah.” Potato Nose said.

“Yes,” Ratty said.

“Our questions.”

A sense of déjà vu went through her. There was something _incredibly_ familiar about the mannerisms of the two.

“Hang on a tick, quick question, have either of you heard of Vaurien Scapegrace?”

The two looked at one another.

Then at Valkyrie.

Then back to each other.

Then at Valkyrie.

Then back to each other. Finally they broken down laughing.

“Ha-have _we_ heard of Vaurien Scapegrace?” Potato Nose asked hysterically.

“You-you mean the _greatest_ killer to ever live? The Zombie _King_?”

“Oh poor naïve Valkyrie, of course we have.”

“We are, after all, his disciples.”

Now it was Valkyrie’s turn to laugh. The two criminals looked at each other once more, before looking back at their, for lack of a better word, “captive”.

“This explains _so much_ , you’re a bunch of jumped up fanboys for quite possibly the worst, and I mean worst as in bad at it, killer in history.” She said, and she wished very much that she could wipe the tear from her eye.

“You dare laugh at the Killer Supreme?” Ratty asked, his face going a lovely shade of puce.

“You- you- you-” Potato Nose gave up all attempts at language at that point, merely pointing and spluttering at the girl. She shivered as she felt a fleck of spittle settle on her cheek.

The act of seeming fear managed to settle the tempers of the two. “I see now I was right, your bravery _is_ just an act, see how you cower in fear of our anger.”

Valkyrie said nothing and tried very hard not to laugh. A sudden thought entered her mind as she did so.

“Hang on, I just realized, we’ve been at this for a bit now yeah? But I still don’t know your names.”

The two shared a look before trying to loom over her ominously. In Ratty’s case it was almost possible, but it is very difficult for one so thin to loom over anything no matter how tall. Skulduggery managed it with well tailored suits and sheer _presence_. The unfortunately nicknamed man did not have either. In Potato Nose’s case, looming over anything is hard when one is in fact _shorter_ than most everything.

“I am Feardinand the Great.” Potato Nose said. Valkyrie blanched at that,

“And I am Mardigog the Terrible, hear our names and tremble girl.”

Valkyrie had fought many battles in her comparatively brief time as a sorcerer. Battles against mercenaries and maniacs and Gods and Monsters. She’d won quite a few of those battles too, with the help of her friends and the sacrifices of good people. This battle however, was one she had to fight alone, with no one by her side. And she lost.

Her laughter shook the chair she was tied too.

“Now you stop that right now” Feardinand said insecurely. “ I mean it, quit it right this instance.”

The chair continued to shake.

“Listen here you insufferable girl, you will treat us with the respect we deserve and I must say you're being rather _rude._ ”

Valkyrie stilled herself for a moment, and schooled her features once more into those of a serious detective. Then a snort worked its way out of her mouth and the entire thing started over again. It took another few minutes before she finally managed to get her laughter under control, though stray giggles still managed to escape her.

“Oh my god you sound like WOW characters, I just, I can’t- I just can’t _deal_ with you two.”

The table shook as Mardigog slammed his hand onto it, a stack of teen’s choice was sent careening off the table. He immediately regretted that decision when his hand began to throb.

“You will tell us what we want to know Miss Cain, _now_.” Mardigog hissed through clenched teeth.

“You _still_ haven’t asked me anything.” Valkyrie pointed out not incorrectly.

“What we want to know-” Feardinand said, taking over for Mardigog “is the weakness of Skulduggery Pleasant.” The short man glared at Valkyrie, fully prepared to pull teeth on the matter. Quite literally if need be. Well perhaps not literally, he wasn’t overly fond blood, but metaphorically he’d do it, oh yes, and it would be metaphorically painful! What he wasn’t prepared for was her reply.

“Oh, that’s it? Sure I’ll tell you.”

Suddenly Mardigog’s potentially broken hand wasn’t too distracting after all. The two kidnappers leaned forward with bated breath.

“Well my dear, tell us, what is the weakness of Skulduggery Pleasant?”

“I mean, do you _really_ wanna know? I mean like I said I’ll tell you, but he’d _kill_ me if he knew I was telling anyone this, let alone villains of your . . . caliber.”

“Yes yes Miss Cain, go on, tell us and we’ll let you go.”

“You mean that, really?” She asked, eyes wide and hopeful.

“Yes yes, we promise, now tell us.”

“Well, alright, if I must, the weakness of Skulduggery Pleasant is-“

“Yes?” They leaned in closer.

“It’s-”

“Uhuh?”

“It’s-”

“ _Mhmm_?” They were close enough that Valkyrie could count their pores. Their many clogged pores. The two seemed to almost be vibrating with energy.

“It’s-“

“Just tell us already!”

“ _He’s terrible at minigolf!_ " Valkyrie said with a shout. “I mean really _really_ rubbish at it. I’ve seen him lose to five year olds, _while cheating_. How do you lose to five year-olds while cheating with _magic?_ ”

The room was silent for a few moments, then “That- that’s it? That’s his weakness? Minigolf?”

“Well he also cares a lot about his clothing but I wouldn’t really classify that as a weakness, and it’s hardly a secret.”

This time there was no shouting. No swearing, no jumping, nothing. Just cold, dead silence.

“Miss Cain,” Mardigog said softly “do you know what we’re going to do now?”

Valkyrie pretended to think on it for a moment. “Hmm, fall to the ground screaming in pain?”

Mardigog smiled hollowly, “and just why would we do that? If you haven’t noticed, you are bound to a chair, inside of a circle that nullifies your magic and we have weapons. Implements of torture, sickening and grueling and quite nausea inducing torture. If anyone screams in pain Miss Cain, it will be you.”

“Hmm, nope,” She said with a pop. “You see, I know two things you don’t.”

“And what’s that?” Mardigog asked, reaching into his coat. Feardinand was silent, holding a strange, utterly impractical looking knife.

“One,” she said, standing casually as the ropes fell to her sides “I’ve had training from the best of the best, and that includes escaping knots, and I’ll be honest, these? Not even remotely close enough to hold me. And number two.” She held up a hand as the two men paled and backed away. White Lightning crackled in her fingers. “Two is that your power nullification seal? Yeah, you didn’t include the on button."

The two men looked at one another, gulping as their weapons fell to the ground.

“Now then, let’s have some fun, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I would've had this up weeks ago, but the night that I almost had this done originally, it got deleted because my computer is evil sometimes, and I didn't feel like redoing this until now. Sorry about that, anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Semi pointless note done, peace out.
> 
> P.S. Ugh this chapter is garbage.


End file.
